Family Lost

Great Grand Parents Ma and Pa Hollis
My grandmother's parents

Family Lost

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” ― John Milton, Paradise Lost

Where do I start with this, what do I include or what do I put in another article? I do not know. We will go down this path together and see where it takes us.

Grandparents

Since I was about 9 years old my family has been mostly painful to me. There are some exceptions. My[RF1] grandmother Pharr was wonderful. My grandfather Ferguson was also a special man that I wish I had spent more time with as an adult. My grandmother Ferguson was a good woman, and I have only good thoughts

Grandparents Addie and Nelson Pharr

Grandparents Pharr 1930s

My wonder Grandmother and Grandfather Ferguson

Granddaddy Pharr with His Coon Dog Around the 1950s (Colorized)

Grandfather Pharr

My grandfather Pharr, well, he was different. I think he had it so hard growing up that it made him very tough and gruff. He gave me some of my best childhood memories, though not always good. Good in his way. One of those memories is he told me “You eat with two hands you work with two hands” and then hit me with a stick. I was bent over working in his garden. Probably picking beans. Another fond memory he gave me was he was chasing me. We had been in his garden and he saw the footprints. We lied to him and denied it was us. That resulted in us running. I had run around the house once, then I got fed up. At the ripe old after of 11, I stopped in my tracks, spun around on my ankles, balled up my fist, and looked this 50-year-old man who worked as a welder in the eyes. I was ready to fight. I think that tough old guy admired me for that. It looked down at my fist and he pondered over the situation. Then, he chuckled, turned, and walked off. I was so pleased and very relieved. Looking back on it, it is a miracle that I’m even alive today.

After my grandfather had his first heart attack, he mellowed. He became a different person. He was pleasant to be around. We went coon hunting together a few times after that. Just him and I. It was nice.

My grandfather Ferguson took me hunting as a teen several times and fishing when I was young. He was always a mellow, kind man. Someone I took for granted when I had him.

Going to their farms when I was a child was often boring. I remember my grandmother Ferguson taking my sister and me to a working flour mill that had a waterwheel to turn the machines inside the mill. I can barely remember this. What a special sight that was. I had no idea how special any of it was.

I knew my great grandparents too, they were my grandmother Ferguson’s mother and father. They too were very kind and giving people. I wish I had got to know them much better. To me, they were Ma and Pa Hollis. They died in the 80s.

The Wonder Years

The years we lived in Shreveport were what I think of as my wonder years. That Mangolia tree was tiny. There was a mimosa tree we played under. My childhood ended here. This is the last place i lived with my father.

The Darkness Begins

During the summer between the third and fourth grades, my parents separated. I believe this would be the summer of 1968. I was nine years old. My life changed forever. We had living in Shreveport, La. for two and half years. Those were the happiest years of my childhood that I can remember. I often think of the mimosa tree I played under. My friends and I had roads with bridges that we drove our Matchbox cars over. I also had Major Mat Nelson which I loved. He came with a spacewalker. A large moon rover-like vehicle with large “legs” that formed a circle that it used for locomotion.

After the separation, my mother took us to various places in and around Shreveport we had not been too before. We went to several movies at the drive-in during this time. There was a swimming pool we went to that seemed like a long drive to a fourth grade. It was Memorial Day Weekend. I remember learning the difference between Veterans Day and Memorial Day during that trip.

Grandmother Pharr Year Unknown

My Mother Ollie B. Ferguson as a young adult, possibly still a Pharr and unmarried at this point.

One night my mother came into my room, she was happy and excited. She said, “Your Daddy is home.” I’m not sure what happened. Soon I heard loud talking again, and then he left, and mother could be heard crying. That was the death of our family, it was gone. My sister was about 5.

We moved to Jackson, Ms. We stayed with my mother’s parents, the Pharr’s for what I think was a month. Then we moved to an old home on O’ferrall Drive just off Capital St. It was a bit house but old. I loved the attic, and it had stairs we had to go up and there were windows there that looked onto the street. It had chandeliers that impressed me a great deal. I suppose it was a fine home in its day. I didn’t realize how far we had moved down in our housing; I didn’t care. I was a child and this old down home was fun. That house no longer stands.

The first signs of trouble came while I lived at this home on O’ferrall Drive. It was becoming clear that my sister was the favored child. It started with it seeming like I was the one blamed for issues between my sister and myself. I’m sure my mother was under a massive amount of stress. She was trying to survive and provide and be responsible. But during one episode of family discord, she yelled out that she was going to send me to live with my father. This hurt me, I was in bed. I lay there stunned. It’s almost 60 years later and it still stirs. Why me? The thing was I should have spoken up, I wish I had spoken up, that is exactly what I wanted. I didn’t say that because I was afraid I would hurt her feelings. My life would be completely different. No way to know if it would have been better, very likely. It would have been better.

While living here, I also heard my mother tell my father that he would never see the kids again. She was angry because he had canceled the insurance on the car. I heard him arrive on Christmas Eve to leave gifts for us. I heard him ask to see us and my mother denied him.

Where our home on O'Farrell Drive was located. It's gone now.

Driveway to Home on Cynthia Road

The Country

This was a good period for me. We lived on O’Farrell for a year. In the summer we moved to Cynthia Road out in the country where my cousin David lived. I had numerous other cousins in the area and a man and woman we called Uncle Clarance and Aunt Mini. They were not my aunt and uncle, but they were family on my mother’s side. This branch was the Glascoe. I don’t remember how we were related. My mother rented a house from Uncle Clarence. Besides my cousin Mark Glascoe was often a co-conspirator in our escapades.

This house was a major step down. It was old and when we first went in there was the biggest rat I had ever seen in the toilet. I still have not ever seen a rat that big again.

There were holes in the flooring, not big holes. Old wood floors that were partially rotted away leaving gaps between the two boards. It didn’t look bad, wasn’t great for holding in the heat though. You could look through these cracks and see the ground under the house. It was typical of many homes built before the 1960s in that it was raised off the ground. I think the home is still standing but I can only see some kind of structure behind the many weeds and trees that block the view to it.

We had a fireplace, but we didn’t use it until late in the winter. We had an old gas space heater and a propane tank outside to provide it with fuel. Times were hard for my mother. Sometimes I was hungry. Sometimes I was cold but I was mostly happy. Although I do remember feeling second best sometimes.

Mark Glasco I think in his 60s.

Rusty and Christy during the Wonder Years

Proud Big Brother

I had many cousins, in addition to Mark and David there were Susan and Donna. Susan and Donna were “babysitters” for us during the summers. I also had a girlfriend in the 5th grade. Her name is Ann Wilson. I wish I could find her.

I got a shotgun for Christmas here when I was 10 or 11, I think 10. I often went hunting alone with 20 gauge. A single shot Harrison and Richardson that was common in discount stores like Gibson in those days. My son has that shotgun or he did.

At some point, my three cousins. David, Steven, and Jeffery moved in with us along with their parents, Uncle John Henry and Aunt Martha Emerson. This was gold. David was my favorite cousin but that came to an end here. I don’t know what happened but there was a conflict between David and I. Maybe because we both had been the oldest before the merger. I grew closer to his younger brother though. Steven and I slept in the same bed for several months. I was disappointed when they moved into a home in South Jackson.

I learned a lot here. I learned about the birds and the bees from my cousins and nature. The moonwalk happened while we lived here. My aunt and cousins all watched it. My mother was working, and I think my uncle was as well.

South Jackson

Our Home at 948 Winn St. in Jackson, Ms.

Little did I know my fun in the country would be coming to an end. My mother bought a house in South Jackson. It was a nice neighborhood. The house was much worse than I realized. To me it seems quite nice. We had a floor furnace for heat and I thought that was like a mansion.

This was the only place I lived for more than 3 years during my childhood. We moved into the home at 948 Winn St in 1969 or 1970. I went to Key Elementary, Peoples Jr. High, and Wingfield High School, and graduated from Jim Hill High School. I learned to drive. I had my first love. I married my first wife while living here.

The picture above is what the home looks like now. It had been abandoned as South Jackson became very dangerous and my mother believed she would be killed if she returned to the home. So, she walked away and the city took it. The neighborhood looks better now. I wish she had been able to hold on to it. She owned it, and the house next door.

Best Friend

Randy “Scootie” McDonald was my best friend in the 6th grade. I don’t recall what happened to end that. Sometime during the 7th grade, we moved apart. We would often go through spats where we’d not talk for a few days. We’d make up and repeat this. Probably is common. Not a major event but we were close enough that he was important to me. We did plenty of wrongs together too.

The First Cut

Doug Gunter became my best friend in the 7th grade. That lasted about a year and a half. At some point, he just disappeared from my life. I’d call and he’d be busy with something else. He didn’t have time for me anymore. This was painful for me. It triggered my first round of major depression. It was never diagnosed as that but that’s what it was. My mother noticed something wrong and took me to a psychologist, but I was able to hide it from them. My mother had noticed I had become isolated. I was very lonely; I was very sad. She was right, I was in trouble. I was in a very bad way. This was probably the most mothering act I ever got from her. She cared, but most of the time she caused me pain.

I’ve included this because Doug was like family to me. It hurt me deeply when I suddenly was not good enough. He found new friends that were into things I never was into. Most teens were. I was afraid of marijuana. I did it twice when I was a teenager. I had many opportunities. Even in the bathroom at high school. I saw it as a gateway drug and refused it for that reason. Thus, I was not cool. I had been abandoned by Doug and this hurt me. He didn’t do anything wrong. He found other friends. He did not owe me anything. He did me no wrong. We are friends on Facebook.

I never had another best friend, and I have longed for one. Or I used to. It is not important to me now. It would be nice, but it is not likely to happen now. I’m very isolated now.

First Love

Regina Caylor

I’ve included best friends because Doug was like family to me. It hurt me deeply when I suddenly was not good enough. He found new friends that were into things I never was into. Most teens were. I was afraid of marijuana. I did it twice when I was a teenager. I had many opportunities. Even in the bathroom at high school. I saw it as a gateway drug and refused it for that reason. Thus, I was not cool. I had been abandoned by Doug and this hurt me. He didn’t do anything wrong. He found other friends. He did not owe me anything. He did me no wrong. We are friends on Facebook.

I never had another best friend, and I have longed for one. Or I used to. It is not important to me now. It would be nice, but it is not likely to happen now. I’m very isolated now.

Divorce

I met my first wife when I was 16. I loved her. I’m not sure she ever loved me. I didn’t know who she was. I realized a lot after she left me. I realized that my suspicions were justified. I learned that if someone loves you, they want to be with you. I was alone during most of our marriage. I know why my grandmother said she was too young to be alone so much. I was working very hard. I was driven to do well. I had up to three jobs and was going to Millsaps College.

I did not react well to this. I did not want this. I still don’t think divorce is right. People should stay married. I was given no choice. I was young and stupid and I did terrible things to try to hold on to what had become my god. My wife was my god. She is what made my life worth living and without her it was not worth living. The worst thing I ever did was threaten to harm myself if a very dramatic way. The reason this was horrible is my children saw this. This is not what cost me the most, but this is what bothers me the most. This was a horrible thing to do to my kids. This is the thing I wish I could undo. The only thing I can do is live with it. I cannot forgive myself of this.

What cost me my kids is sad. I got really angry with Patricia after talking to her on the phone. I wrote a letter to myself. I even lied it the letter about what I imagined. I made it sound like a hallucination but that was not my intent. The last time I read it, it freaked me out. I was not doing well, I’ll grant you that. In this letter, I imagined shooting my ex-wife and her boyfriend. That part was true. I had not fantasy that I would do it, I didn’t want to do it. I was angry. It’s in me to harm someone. I added that I also killed my children. I never imagined that but I did type it.

A woman at work asked a co-worker how I was doing. He told me. I needed her. I needed anyone and there was no one. I gave her the letter and said this is how I’m doing. We had been close and she had abandoned me too. She gave the letter to my ex-wife.

Misty and Shane at the Lake

I messed up so badly here. It's unforgivable and I've paid a horrible price. My children don't know it but they too paid a horrific price. I am sorry.

Sisterly Rejection

I don’t know what happened here. I let her tag along with me and my friends when I was in high school. She’s four years younger. I let my sister tag along as they used to say. But, when she was in high school, she had a group of friends over and for some reason, she started making fun of me. This also hurt me deeply. My response was filled with an anger so profound that I wanted to strike her. I didn’t, it is not me. I’ve not hit anyone since I was 12.

This grew far worse over the years. However, she is insane. So, she can’t be faulted. I must stay away from her as she will harm me if possible.

Well, I did hit Melvin Campbell in the arm when we were about 14. He hit me back and it hurt bad enough that I didn’t forget it. We both acted like it didn’t hurt. Melvin and I were good friends for a while, as was his brother Keith. I think it was girls that got our attention and caused us to drift. Melvin and I are friends on Facebook. Keither isn’t responding to me on my new account. I think I might have said something that Keith didn’t like. It hurts me. They are both very important to me.

Relationships Destroyed Beyond Repair

It was five years before I saw my children again. I did not know it but my daughter didn’t remember me. We had been close. We spent our evenings together every night. I can still see her coming toward me in a parking lot five years later. With an off-duty deputy sheriff there to supervise us. I saw them for a few hours every other week this way for two or three years. I finally was able to see them alone.

Those years apart though, the bonding that we should have had is not there. My son seemed to be bonded with me but my daughter never did. She was about 5 when she was ripped out of my life. My son was about 9. I lost my father when I was 9. I lost my son when he was 9.

I believe my wife was a psychopath. I believe she intended to cause me as much harm as possible. I realized, after our divorce, that I never knew who she was and how stupid I had been to dismiss all the warning signs that I saw. However, I have no hate for her. I did, I never wanted to harm her and I know she knew that. I have learned to love her again. I don’t want to be with her but I hope the best for her and I can have fond memories again. It feels much better than hate. She destroyed my life but hate does not feel good and no good will come of it.

Mandy from Scottish Lass from Canada

Imported Love

There was a long period when no woman was in my life. It was a very hard period. I had one date with a female Elvis impersonator. She was not sane. But, I was so lonely, I’d try anything.

I met a lovely lady from Canada online. I never thought she loved me but I didn’t care. She was willing, she was smoking hot, and she was with me. She wanted to get into the USA. I doubt she ever admitted this to herself. Just another love that hurt me then abandoned me. She made plans to leave me a few times. I discovered them and I told her if she did it one more time, that would be it. She did of course and that was it. It hurt but I was done. At the last minute, I tried to talk her out of it. The new guy was in the driveway waiting for her. She tried to come back about three months later. If she had tried two months before that, I would have let her but by this time I was done.

I sold my stuff and I moved to the Philippines.

Mother Dearest

This one is hard for me. I asked her to help me move my stuff and if I could keep it in home while I was in the Philippines. A few months after I was here, I told her should sell my dolly for some extra money. She said, “Oh, I already sold that.” While we were packing, I kept finding price tags added to my things. I guess I’m kind of slow. I didn’t realize why they were there. My mother agreed to help because she was going to sell my things. She made most of her money at Flea Markets. I did not call much after that. I remember hanging up the phone, stunned.

Yeah, that hurt. Once, I called when I needed help. It was after Super Typhoon Yolanda had made a direct hit on the city that I lived in. She was too busy to talk. I gave up at that point.

My mother died a couple of years ago. It was hard for me to accept. She had always been there and now she was not there. Yes, I did cry.

Daddy Dearest

I don’t know what happened here. I should have asked. The thing was I wasn’t sure. Everything was okay. I made some mistakes here. No doubt and he ghosted me for a while.

He hurt me when I was talking to him on the phone. I had gone to great trouble to send him a huge Father’s Day card in the mail. It cost me a lot to send it because of its size. At the time, I was struggling financially. My Ex-wife was getting around 80 percent of my take-home pay. I was broke. Times were very hard.

I asked him if had received anything from me. He said “No.” I reminded him, “Did you get a card from me?” He said in a dismissive tone “Oh that.” I was in a major depressive episode which very well could have contributed to my reaction. I wrote him a letter where I blasted him.

I didn’t see him from the ages of about 10 to 16. I reached him at 16 because I wanted to tell him about the love I had found. I know my mother made it hard for him, but he should have done more. I did. There were some other perceived wrongs I wrote about.

I forgot about that letter. Probably because of the state of mind I was in when I wrote it. After I got married again, I wrote him again. I did not get a reply. Then I remembered the letter that I wrote when I was hurt. I don’t blame him for not responding. I would have but I can understand. I wrote another telling him I was sorry. That I too had made mistakes, I was not the father of the year.

His daughter told me he was not upset with me. She told me had moved and probably didn’t get he letters. Finally, I got up the nerve to call. And it went well. But suddenly, things were cold. I called once and he wanted to get off the phone immediately. His tone of voice was flat without emotion of any kind. I have no idea why. I should have asked. I got this treatment a few times. When I called after my heart attack he seemed a little more warm but not like it should be. I never called again.

About two years later, my daughter sent me a message on Facebook to let me know he had died. He has been ill with some kind of cancer. I still don’t know what kind. I was never told. I will never forget the shutter that went through my body when I read those words from my daughter. The loss I felt was painful and deep. I was left out of his obituary too. All of his previous children were left out. He had another son named Ricky who was not included. My daughter had two more published that did include those he left out. I do not understand any of this. I do understand that once again, I had been abandoned. I should have asked what was wrong. Now, I can’t ask. Yes, I did cry.

It felt good to just stand next to him, but in the end I am left with the feeling that he wanted nothing to do with me. I should have asked. No, I am not without blame. I earned lots of it.

Ghost

My son had at one point told me I could stay with him if I needed to come back to the USA. I told him that I was planning on a six-month visit. That visit never happened because of the pandemic. I had already made plans with my mother to stay with her. I did not expect that to go well but I wanted to establish a residence in Ms. and I hoped for the best with her.

I could not get a ride to the airport much less a flight to the USA. The lockdown in the Philippines was very strong.

I asked him later if that offer was still good. It was not, he withdrew his offer. He was trying to adopt a child, and he feared any association with me would jeopardize that adoption process. It hurt but I understood. I then asked if I could use his address, but again he refused for the same reason.

The following June, on Father’s Day I tried to message him and I couldn’t find him in my history. Then I discovered we were no longer friends. My son had blocked me, I was ghosted. The adoption was final now, there should be no reason. He’s just gone. This sent me into a deep major depressive episode. I couldn’t function at all. I needed to go to the doctor for a prescription, but I couldn’t do it. It took me three months to get it done. The day after I started the meds, I was okay. Once again, rejected and abandoned. I hope he comes back someday. I’ll be here for him if he is. I will never reject nor abandon my children. You are loved and you always will be.

Then Came my Daughter

She does not remember how slow we were. There must have been some bonding there that is unconscious, or I probably would have lost her completely. She can’t be blamed at all. I don’t blame her for anything. I won’t put everything I know here but I know that my replacement was intentional and planned.

Recently I expressed to her my fear that I would become homeless if I returned to the USA. She had no helpful reply. I asked, thinking about it, “If I get off a jet in Jackson, Ms. who is going to pick me up at the airport.”

Honestly, I couldn’t fully read her reply, but it didn’t say she would. She seemed angry and I did see that she was busy and that she wouldn’t say she would ever drive me to someone's place, I didn’t want to read anymore. Years ago, I asked if she would deposit a check for me into my bank account. She said no. I asked her if I could send her a cell phone and have her activate it for me. There was no reply for a week or so. I said never mind, that I felt she had made herself clear but that I am stupid when it comes to people, and I keep trying. She did answer, but she said no. For a long time, I noticed that neither she nor my son would ever comment or like my post. The only exception was when I mentioned them in a post. They don’t follow my post. I can only wonder why. I’m not going to ask Misty why even though I want to. Since both of them did it, I suspect their mother asked for it. There is no need for it, her mother blocked me so no matter what I do, she can’t see my post. I am quite okay with that. When on mobile, there is an option to see which friends interact with you the least, she was at the top of the list. By the time I found that option, Shane had already blocked me.

I am here for both of them. I wish I could stop loving them but that is impossible. I’m always here for both of you. Once again, I feel abandoned.

One Love

All is not lost. I’ve been with a woman since 2008. We split for about a year, maybe more. But I feel loved now. I am not alone, even when she goes home for Christmas and nobody is with me on Christmas day, I do not feel alone. The best part of my life has been since 2008. I have not been abandoned and it has been 16 years. All is not lost; my life has been worth living.

Innocence Lost

I am not innocent, I am guilty of terrible acts, mostly during the years of my first divorce. I didn’t realize it but I was abusive. I didn’t hurt anyone else. I didn’t threaten anyone else. I did act in a threatening manner to control others and that is abusive. I did not realize what I was doing then, and Patricia I am sorry I did that to you. I did not harm anyone; I did not intentionally threaten anyone. The letter was threatening but none of the people mentioned in it were ever meant to see it. I was blowing off steam and it ended up in their hands. I did no wrong there. It was for me only. The police were investigating. I went to the police station to explain. After they saw my horror that the letter had been given to Patricia, they let me go. They said I had no intent, so I was not charged for “Obscene threats.” However, I did other things that I consider to be unforgivable. One thing. That was a threat to me as well. I’ve learned that is not acceptable and if I did gain anything from such behavior, which is highly unlikely, it would be an illusion and nothing real could be achieved by scaring people into doing what you wanted. I’m deeply sorry for my attempts to control in this manner. I have paid dearly for it. It cost me everything.

Recent Signs of Improvements

Recently, my half-sisters sent me a friend request on Facebook. This made me very happy. My daughter commented on a post last night. I was surprised and happy. Honestly, I think I’ll end up running them off again. Everybody leaves. I can no longer hope for anything in this area. I only expect the worst and the reasons are above. It has to be me. I don’t blame them. When everyone goes, you/I must be the problem.

Now months have passed and I've heard nothing more from my daughter. I've finally given up. I am trying to accept and remember that when there have been problems, solutions have been provided. I believe the came from God.

Family

A home we purchased when I was about 21 years old, while still in college. That's Patricia and her brother and Shane in the foreground. That's me in the shadows. This was probably Christmas or Thanksgiving.

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